I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and then there's day
I don't know how you spoke into the black
and made it all obey

(Chorus)
All that I know is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All that I know is that you gave everything
so let that be enough...it's all I know, it's all I know

I don't know how your love works
Or how you cover me in grace
I don't know how you swallow all I am
when I can't stand my taste, oh

(Chorus)
All that I know is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All that I know is that you gave everything
so let that be enough...it's all I know

And I can't explain your mystery,
but I know the answer

(Chorus)
All that I know is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All that I know is that you gave everything
so let that be enough...it's all I know, it's all I know

I'm human, of all things I have realized lately that's the most profound. So often I attempt to be the god of my own life and allow other "little god's" influence me. Those idols may be a television show, food, boredom or the more extreme, people. Why do we allow things to take the place of the One? As outlandish as it seems to think we would replace the Amazing for the mediocre, all of us do it. I'm human.

With all that being said, a huge prayer of my heart as of lately has been answered and it's glorious. I'm reminded of my humaness when this happens because of all the days I spent worried, pondering, overanalyzing and doubting (yes doubting) my Creator that promises that He knows the plans He has for me and they are for good not evil. The weakness of my flesh overcomes me at times. Our God is fantastic.

I was able to find a job in the field that I received my degree in and that is great. Although it may not be exactly what I dreamed of, I think it is exactly what my God ordained for me. So I will try to trust, after all, he never lets me down.

So that is the update for now. A reminder that I am completely human and I have no ability of my own to be successful in the walk with the Lord. Grace.

Whew! It was been quite a little journey. I must admit, for anyone who has read my blog lately, it wasn't exactly the best version of myself due to emotional ties to a very emotional experience. Regardless, I don't desire to make excuses for myself, I apologize to those with whom it was offensive.

Moving on... I know God is calling me to wait right now, but why? Do I even have the ability to question him? I am still waiting the results of some interviews and in the process of seeking some new developments but why the waiting? As I pray and seek the next step in my journey, I ask that you would join me in prayer not only for me but for you also. Is God really concerned with the details of my life such as where I attend church, where I teach, if I teach, if I go to school etc.? Well, if anyone has answers let me know, because I give up. I don't want to search today. Ha.

There are many times that I ponder what kind of women do men really want. Of course, I do this for selfish reasons but also I desire to play devil's advocate to our media driven society. Our society clearly states our value... As Mark Twain once said, "A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation." If this overflows into a societal theory. I believe he is accurate in that, what we consistently talk about, watch, and listen to reflects our character. This is an unfortunate conclusion to men and women of faith. As I ponder what kind of woman I need to be to "get" a good, Christ driven man. I am left thinking I will never be good enough for any man now-a-days because I am not the ideal. I believe I have high standards, high morals and values, and a growing relationship with my Savior, but is this what men really want these days?
My mother and I were having a conversation today that stunned me to my core. I came to the conclusion that I would be a "second" marriage type of woman(although I personally do not approve of divorce). Men these days are seeking the "hot" girl who is actually so insecure that her hair may be out of place, or her small amount of unfortunate fat might make her arms jiggle, or that her teeth are not straight enough, her nose is too big..etc. and then in 5 years they really can't stand the woman who doesn't tell him that his hazard lights are still blinking well down the road because she thinks it's soooo cute that the car blinks. He then turns to a beautiful woman, who may not be obsessed with her appearance but he can actually hold a conversation with and laugh with. After talking about this, I sat there and realized I don't want to be second choice, I don't want to be a "second" marriage type of woman.
Although this is an obvious concern of mine and a handful of my beautiful "inside and out" single friends. I also know that a "real" man is not one that really looks at the outside. A real man sees me as I am, a human. A real man sees me for who I desire to be like. So, in conclusion, I choose not to ask anymore, what men want... I ask what do I want?


"I don't want a woman who just turns my head, but a woman who turns my heart." - A "real" man.